The road to happiness

I am suffering from depression.

It’s quite liberating to say that out loud. Once upon a time, I would be much more reluctant to open up about my feelings to others – even those that I might consider to be close friends or family. It’s something that I’ve struggled with for some time, but particularly in the last few months I have found myself wanting to be more open with others about my state of mind.

I’ve found myself starting to write posts for my blog a few times now where I’ve ended up putting my laptop down and asked myself whether I should continue writing or if I should share some of these aspects of my life so publicly. How much of what I am writing about or feeling or perceiving is simply just an offshoot of what my current mental state is – in other words, is what I’m feeling genuine, or do I just feel this way because I am depressed? Should I be so open about these things?

I’ve decided that this is an area I want to be more open about. If I look at where I started this year, a lot of the desire to make changes in my life ultimately stemmed from this root cause. I am happy that I am continuing to make progress slowly but surely. However, we can still falter, as I acknowledged myself in my first post. If this blog represents my journey through life, then I think it is important to acknowledge my mental state and be able to look back over time to see how well I am progressing at tackling these problems head on.

As part of this, I think it’s also important to give air to how I am otherwise feeling on a variety of different subjects, and to not be afraid in sharing those feelings. Leading with my current state may give way to valuable discussion or perspectives that I’ve otherwise not thought of in addressing these feelings. The process of writing has been a great tool to help me focus my feelings and process them more actively. Although it doesn’t necessarily change the state of things immediately, giving air to them helps me make progress.

The other element of why I’ve chosen to openly write about this area is because I want to give visibility into this. Mental health can still be a sensitive subject to discuss in some circles, and despite reassurances that one can openly talk to others about their problems, I think having someone lead by example can help others to open up about their own issues. I have had a few coworkers come forward to thank me for my openness at work when I told my team that I would be blocking off some time each week for counseling sessions, and in doing so helping to normalize discussions around mental health issues in the workplace.

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As I’ve already mentioned, I am taking steps to help improve multiple facets of my life. In January, I actively worked to spend more time with people to mixed results. I ultimately view the experience as positive – I have taken away learnings from my approach, but knowing that I tried something and that I can continue to refine my approach brings me reassurance of dealing with feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Piping of course has become a big outlet for me over the past year and continues to be one of my main ways in which I spend my time. Being able to focus on something and take my mind off other areas like work or relationships, and more importantly feel myself improve at my own technique and playing abilities while connecting to others who are also learning, continues to be a source of much happiness for me.

No one is perfect, and of course other areas continue to elude me right now. I still haven’t started running again, which has been hard to get motivated about due to the dreadful weather that plagued the Pacific Northwest over the course of January. My solution to wake up early with the intent of minimizing my commute to free up more time for myself outside of work has not worked well thus far either. It turns out that being dependent on public transit schedules which poorly line up and have low frequency in the mornings and afternoons still leads to having a significant commute time, which isn’t ideal. Let’s not even get onto the subject of improving my diet.

The point is, I still have a way to go to get to my ideal state of being. I have up until this point felt relatively good about the progress I have made in the areas that I have been able to start making changes in. As a result, I have been pretty forgiving with myself, knowing that progress will be slow, steady and incremental. That alone has been good.

So, of course, it didn’t particularly help matters when I ended up having a breakdown in front of my family while travelling in Malaysia. It wasn’t expected, and I don’t know if I can truly explain what triggered it yet, but it happened. It felt like a major blow, as if I had suddenly taken a step backwards when I had finally begun to feel like I was making progress. I am thankful that my family are as loving and supportive as they are, as they helped me through that particular episode.

Identifying my emotions that I have been feeling lately – particularly, stress, anxiety and even anger – has been a big step. I am still working to truly unravel all my feelings. I believe there are years of pent up emotions that I will need to work through before I can truly start to make progress. I alluded to my current feelings around work in my previous post, in which I think a lot of lingering issues in that area have particularly been affecting my current mood. Interactions with people and the undertaking of new projects – things which I have done before and managed without much issue – suddenly have felt particularly overwhelming in the past few weeks.

This is only a subset of what I am feeling, but I will keep reminding myself that I have to work through these issues one at a time.

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One of the new initiatives I have started in 2020 is to see a counselor. Once a week, I get an hour with someone to talk through whatever I feel like talking about. This is a new experience for me, and so far hasn’t necessarily yielded any breakthroughs, but it is definitely helping. Having someone I can freely speak to about whatever issues happen to be impacting me in a given week, and particularly my ability to do so without bias or judgment, is a huge help.

As part of this, finding time to write as and when I can continues to help in this process. I haven’t written as consistently as I would like over January, largely due to getting trapped in my own thoughts, or not having courage to follow up on the subjects I start writing about, or lacking the energy or motivation to write. I am committed to trying to use this outlet more. Maybe it will mean smaller and more frequent posts, but the key area I want to embrace is publishing my thoughts and given them space to breath.

Given my recent episode, I expect that I am going to seek medical help beyond just counseling to help deal with my current mental wellbeing. I imagine that it may not yield things I don’t already know – for example, I should make time to exercise, improve my diet, and so on – but I’m hopeful that maybe additional insight or help can be offered to get over this hump that I have encountered.

Here is what I will leave you all with for now: I do not intend for this blog to turn into a “woe is me” series of posts, but I will be more open with issues that are affecting me, and sometimes that may mean slightly more controversial topics. I lead with this post in the hope that being open about my current headspace may help others to see where I am coming from. I will strike to find a balance of writing about more serious topics and things that give me pleasure. After all, having a focal point for positive energy and channeling that into my writing is a way to remind myself about the good things that I have, and not just focus on the negatives.

I also offer up to anyone reading this: if you are dealing with issues and you need support, then I am here to listen. You are not alone, and there are resources available to provide you the support and help that you need. As someone who is currently in this position of addressing mental health, then if you find yourself walking down a similar path, then let’s walk down that path together.

One step at a time.