Well, it’s certainly a new year. I’m not sure about the happy part just yet, though.
True to my letter that I wrote to myself at the tail end of last year, 2020 has marked the beginning of a slow but gradual process to start implementing changes that will ideally improve the quality of a number of areas in my life: my health, my relationships, my passions, and other such things.
I’ve been taking steps to start implementing these changes in a few areas. Perhaps the biggest change that I’ve started embracing is making better use of my calendar – I want to be more explicit about scheduling the activities I want to do. Everything from setting aside blocks of time for going running, or for doing music practice, or simply just spending with friends, going on dates, etc.
I still believe in the core principle behind it. Ensuring I’m setting time aside for all of the different parts of my life that matter to me and investing time into those areas should surely yield the results that I’m seeking so desperately, right?
Silly me. How quickly I forget that Rome wasn’t built in a day.
In fairness, the first few days of January were actually quite good. My parents had been visiting for the holiday season, so with my mum departing on the 2nd and my dad shortly behind her on the 7th, I’ve been able to start slowly settling back into my regular schedule with work. I’ve managed to start finding time to get back to piping, which has been greatly missed over the last few weeks. Better yet, I’ve attended a house party, and spent time with a couple of friends that I’ve been eager to catch up with, which helped me feel like I was making a good start to my goals.
“Helped”, as in past tense. It’s amazing how easily and quickly feelings can be changed.
For example, those morning blocks I had set aside to go running before work? It turns out that you actually have to get out of bed when your alarm goes off to be able to go running at the time you intended. What a novel idea!
And all of those social plans that I had made? It’s all well and good that I put them in the calendar, but if nearly all of the people in question I had scheduled time for this week bail at the last minute, then that’s problematic.
Beyond that, when you deal with unforeseen circumstances at work that forecast a torrent of pain in the near future, as well as landscape designers who had kept you waiting for months to be able to perform an initial assessment, only to tell you that they’re not suited for the job and reset the hunt to find a professional capable of helping you…the little things add up.
Even at the one social commitment I could rely upon this week, which was playing Pathfinder with good friends of mine, I found myself succumbing to the worst of my own anxiety. For an evening that should have been a guaranteed pleasure, it certainly wasn’t.
One of the most difficult things I’m finding so far is coming to grips with the sobering reality of the health of the relationships in my life. I took the plunge and removed Facebook from my phone, which I think overall has definitely been the right move. It’s only been a couple of days, but I’m already finding myself wasting far less time on my phone than I used to. I’m moving to use Instagram as a means of sharing the more immediate moments with people, which I think is helping itch that scratch. Hopefully it won’t become quite the same time sink that Facebook was.
The biggest element of this, however, is that when you’re suddenly not being bombarded with the posts of a large number of people, and you strip away your phone contacts to the ones that you are actually maintaining some level of semi-frequent interaction with. Simply taking a moment to look at that number against all of the friends and followers and whatnot that I possess across the social media sphere, it’s rather frightening just how little active communication there is with one another.
I don’t blame anyone for this, as that would be incredibly unfair first and foremost. Everyone has to make a choice about how to best spend their time, and that includes who they choose to focus their energy on in their life. I’m not going to suddenly start turning my nose up at others because they haven’t reached out to me directly in some time, as I’m not any better as things stand right now.
That said, as difficult as it can be to confront my reality – that I need to think hard about the definition of the word “friend”, and what that really means, and evaluate my relationships against that definition – the one thing that I am thankful for out of this is focus. I’m at a crossroads where I can now freely choose where I am going to invest my energy, and build the relationships that I want and need in my life.
It would be unfair to neglect some of the good things that have happened this week, and imply that it was all negative – it wasn’t. For starters, I did get to spend some quality one-on-one time with good friends of mine that I feel are a core part of my current local social circle. I did enjoy seeing my gaming group and being able to catch up with them. I even started counselling sessions, which I feel will help a lot with this journey I am undertaking.
As I told myself, there are things that aren’t going to work out the way I want. What matters is that I recognize that, and be kind to myself, but continue to work on these areas until I get them where I need them to be.
Onward and upwards.
Seattle Scotsman 
It’s never really easy to change a lifestyle pattern. That said you have to pat yourself on the back for getting the ball rolling. Life will get to where you need it in it’s own way. Planning is a great idea, but started to think of it as a guideline of what I wanted my life to be and things settled on either side of the path most of the time, but sometimes, it was smack dab in the middle. I commend you and being the change and not just planning a change. My words to live by is be the change and put on your seat belt!
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“That said, as difficult as it can be to confront my reality – that I need to think hard about the definition of the word “friend”, and what that really means, and evaluate my relationships against that definition – the one thing that I am thankful for out of this is focus. I’m at a crossroads where I can now freely choose where I am going to invest my energy, and build the relationships that I want and need in my life.”
This is my favorite part of this post. I’m sorry that it’s been a tough start. You’re making a big change and, as I said the other day, the world has grown around the-person-you-were and resists being unsettled. As much as that is just a reality of change and growth, you’re choosing a perspective of gratitude and growth that will serve you well as you create the life you want — and deserve — to have.
Onward.
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